“…and much later, when you watch the ship pull away, you feel a sense of longing. A longing to be carried. Not by the systems that spin the suns, or the corporations that run the colonies. But by love, towards an uncertain future.“

I have been feeling really burned out lately. My once close-knit group of friends have been feeling distant and apathetic, each of us finding more time for partners, or stuck in society-defined adulting. I find myself feeling alien and unrelatable, as if not meant for this world. Every day I wake up to my lovely loud kids, frantic school drop offs, fatigued work sessions, picking up the kids again, spending a few stolen hours watching tv with my wife–all things I should be (and am) grateful for–and yet I often long for refuge and escape for my paradoxical soul, an introvert that yearns for deep understanding connection.

I always try to plan my days, to make it through my work day. The organization and time-boxing is rigorous but efficient, symptomatic of me trying to optimize everything. And so, having found myself with a fortuitous day off from work, the idea of just going with the flow and following my whims felt like a guilty pleasure. I went through my gaming back log and scrolled through, looking for something to let me dissociate for a bit. And what I landed on, was Citizen Sleeper.

“And in this moment you feel, for once, at home.”

Citizen Sleeper is a twist on visual novels, combining incredible storytelling with a choices matter, dice-driven, survival game loop. You are a “sleeper”, an artificial human facsimile in a synthetic body, who has managed to smuggle themselves on a cargo ship and escape the corporation. You wake up after a crash on the lawless space station, the Erlin’s Eye.

The game systems were a bit obtuse at the start but fairly simple and engaging once acclimated. At the start of each day, you roll a number of dice that you use as resources. Got lucky and rolled a six? Maybe use it on that dangerous scrapyard you’ve been meaning to explore. Rolled some 2’s and 3’s today? Looks like you’re going to bed hungry. The better condition you wake up in, the more dice you have to spend for that day.

I find it hilarious that I sought to escape the daily schedules of my own life, only to have found myself scrambling in the daily cycles of this synthetic being. And yet, the writing is so incredibly gorgeous that I was immediately sucked in.

“It feels, in that moment, like something eternal. That doesn’t mean it can, or even should, last forever. Or that it will never change, fade, or decay. It simply means that in this moment, this place has a future, and it is one that you know, deeply and truly, is worth protecting.”

Part of the reason I like Gareth Damian Martin’s writing so much, is because it resembles my own style a lot. Don’t get me wrong–he’s a better writer. But if an English professor or a communications professional looked at the quote above, they would be quite disappointed. Long run on sentences, opening with conjunctions, overuse of commas, excerpts in thought interjected and haphazardly thrown in. I fucking love it all. I love the flowery language and the verbose descriptions. I love that not everything is concise and trimmed down. There are even monologues that feel like stream of conscious writing. I love that shit.

What choices do you make? Where do you spend your dice, and did you succeed? Every story plays out different according to your decisions. One thing that really struck me is how well Gareth incorporates multiple plot points throughout different choices, and somehow has them unfold logically through numerous player-driven paths. Remember that footage you found because you chose to investigate your crashed ship? Turns out it involves a bounty hunter that may or may not be coming for you.

Characters are memorable and nuanced. Dialogue is unique and thought-provoking. Maybe you unfold a twisting plot of corporate intrigue. Maybe you take sides in a gang turf war. Or perhaps you make friends with a sentient vending machine. One thing is for sure, you’ll find yourself questioning what really quantifies a life and what is truly worth pursuing in this short time we have. All this, set to the immersive music of Amos Roddy and the gorgeous character art of Guillaume Singelin.

My ending made me pretty emotional. I just sat and thought for a while after the credits rolled. I didn’t even want to go back and try different choices because I wanted my story to stay as it was in my mind. And I think it will stick with me for a long time.